Impossible feeling

Today was quite disappointing. I would not consider this feeling as sad since my heart felt beyond despondency. I had to drop my MBA due to financial issues and I did not seek cavin's financial support for this as I do not see him as my emergency fund. However, as my husband, I do seek attention and empathy. Sadly, he chose badminton with his friend over my sorrow. Maybe he prefers his happiness to my despair. He did say sorry but I am not sure if forgiveness is the answer for this. I could not hold my excitement for my master but after seeing the fee for one semester, right away I knew I couldn't afford such a number. I told him how sad I was and I even cried while hugging him. Hence, I do need some attention and comfort from him. Maybe bring me to a cafe where I can eat a slice of cake or something but he did nothing about it. I am not sure if I am asking too much from a husband to take care of me not only physically, but emotionally as well. Maybe I'm asking too much. Maybe his brain is incapable of thinking to that point or maybe he is lazy since my happiness is not his. I can see that. Even during our trip to Terengganu, he completely ignored me and forgot I was there. I told him I went to the beach for a while and as everyone having their lunch, I was there in the water. No one told me. My husband did not tell me. I felt so alone. I was alone. Everytime I went to him, he went away and talked to his friends. He did not bother if I have eaten or how was my sleep. He asked me nothing. Only God know how sad I was. I cried the first and the second night because I couldn't bare the sadness in my heart. Even now, I'm crying alone in this room. Not in my room. not in my house. not with my family. I did ask God to soften my heart and forgive him but somehow I am so tired for being neglected especially when I need support. What did I do to be punished with this agony and loneliness.

temporary unrequited

I do not know where to start because I do not know when it started. It does not have a starting point, it just appeared out of no where. This feeling has been a heavy burden for me to lift it on my own. I am tired of praying to be in a comfortable position but it seems it is not working out. Does God hate me? I tried to be happy with him but the overflow thoughts of living alone seems more appealing. To be honest with my self, if I do live alone, I am still going to be the same but the bright side is, I do not have to give my happiness and time to someone else. Maybe the reason is I have been living on my own but not phsyically, mentally I have been alone since I was a kid. I do not want to owe anyone as my parents thought me to be independent but this lesson has wrecked me spritually. When I look at him, I feel anger and empty. Is it my fault or his? May be I hate when I am the only one has to think about this marriage and he did nothing. I am working as well but why is he acting he is the only one who is working? I don't see we are going somewhere from here... Maybe that was the starting point. That is when I feel stuck.

Phase of my life

I think i did not divulge properly this phase of my life with my self. I'm still mad and feel betrayed. I feel useless all the time. All my efforts were ignored and they did not even bothered to make me feel appreciated. They did thank me but I still don't understand this situation. I know everything happened for a reason but why I can't find myself to forgive these people. Stupidly i feel bad for not forgiving them. this feeling applies to my loud neighbour as well. He was loud and I was so mad. I left him a note at my window and he said he's sorry. I don't see any light from his house today and I'm scared if I actually hurt him in any way. But he was the one who made me sleepless! But why I feel so bad? This anxiety of mine keeps on coming like there's no door to exit. This phase of my life, I feel humiliated, dumbfounded, anxious, mad and sad. I wish I can be more gentle with my own feelings and I know I am the one who is hurting myself. I don't know how to let myself accept all of these and be okay with it. I don't know how to hug myself and let her know everything is going to be okay. I don't know how to proeperly rest. It is very exhausting.

I hate the world sometime

I hate how i feel the need to compete with everyone. I dont even understand why it's hard for me to master guitar. I mean I dont have to master it, but I want to. I want to play even more guitars. not only acoustic. electric and all. like futsal, i hate when i see people able to go out and play. like why i cant? why's stopping me? because im here in semenyih. there's no one to play with. even if i want, it's too expensive. then i have to think i need to get a job. of course i need it, but it's so hard these days. I understood my rezeki tak sampai lagi but Allah, give more patience. and then i hate my voice when i record and listen back to them. i can't get the beat right. like how abang usop does it. I don't even know what i'm good at. all these thoughts make my chest feels so thight. I need to so thinking for once.

Grade

I fucked up the subject I suppose to get high mark but i dont know la. why am i like this? i could do better but i was so stupid for making my future me hate myself. I mean the current me already hating myself and obviously I don't know what to do now and how to feel. Sometimes, I really want to close my eyes and shift myself to anime world, where the world is not real. nothing real there. I know that but I still want to shift myself there. I'm tired of not able to do anything. I don't know how to start to find my own money. Half of me wanting to focus 100% on my study but I still wanna work but here I am.... Ergh

Alone again I think

I have no where to go...This feeling just keeps coming back. Im fine i think but im not sure until when i can be fine. The room is too big for me to live alone. My family never bothers to check on me. Cavin is there but im not sure why im still empty. I try to break my routine but theres no change. tears running down like there's no end to it. is there any room for me to be happy... like constantly happy. can I escape from this loneliness forever. it keeps holding me back and i dont know what to do. I try...still on trying. God i know u up there.

Die with me

I have a lot of things in mind, i wish i could convince my brain to let my body do the writing earlier. okay since now i got the chance to do so, where to start? let's start with my ex, Mas is together with maryam now. his life is full of lies. "Trust me, we wont be together. Never" that's what he said. What a scumbag. I'm so mad! Mad because he betrayed me. I dont mind if he wants to pursue with anyone else but maryam? hahaha. he was so mad every time he heard David's name but he would protect Maryam at all cost. asshole. Fuck him Let's move on, i just finished with this movie titled "on her wedding day" It was okay. it doesnt affect me that much since i dont even know what love is anymore. Can i just skip to the phase of my life where im happy? i wanna work my ass out and meet that person and you know, just live with him. But the funny part is, i can't even have a friend stick to me. Do i have a best friend? yes.. no? I keep pushing people away because they don't deserve me or more like i dont deserve them. but the feeling i have is more to the emphasizing on the willingness of them to be friend with me. oh Allah, why i have to be this lonely. I know im not that great as a servant, but why i keep drive my ownself away from you Allah. As much i want my potential partner to be with me, i want to feel the presence of you, Allah in my heart. I wont stop praying, that's a must. I need to promise myself and be strict.